HP and the Scrolls of Slightly Silly Stories
by La Mouette Lunaire
Summary: Hogwards has faced and conquered threats of most threatening nature. Now it's time to face a new fear. Now it's time to face... something slightly silly. Current scrolls: The Chamber of Worse Secrets, House Elf Upgrade
1. The Chamber of Worse Secrets

_A/N:_ It was a dark and stormy night at the brink of 2004. Well, actually it probably were a few weeks during that year and some of them might have been sunny too. In any case that was when I decided it was finally time to have a go at the epic piece of work that is Harry Potter. Admittedly I was never completely obsessed with the series but still, two one-shots were the least I had to feed the voices in my head with after reading five books in a row. Now, almost two years later, the fandom has dared to speak up again and wants to claim a place in my mind as well as in my writing schedule. Neither has been achieved yet but still I decided that it might be a good idea to put both one-shots into a single story (collection) which may or may not be expanded in the future. The title was taken from the original summary of the first shot which read _'The slighty silly, slightly altered version of PoA's chapter The Boggart in the Wardrobe'_. No major changes were made to the texts in order not to spoil a perfect memory. And that's all there is to say. Enjoy!

**Harry Potter and the Scrolls of Slightly Silly Stories**  
_First Scroll: The Chamber of Worse Secrets_

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Harry's stare was blank and fixed on nothing in particular. Most certainly he wasn't the only student feeling uncomfortable with the situation.

Noticing this, Professor Lupin patted Harry's back and said; "Don't worry, kids. Professor Snape gave me permission to use his room for today's lesson."

An awkward murmur went through the class but Lupin just smiled reassuringly and proceeded with his lecture. "You see, what we will find in Professor Snape's wardrobe is-"

"The corpse of a student!", whispered Ron and Harry laughed silently.

"- a thing called Boggart, to you probably known as shape-shifter. Boggarts like to hide in cupboards, desks and such, lurking for their next victim. They might seem vicious at first but can be easily defeated if you know how to do it. Yes, Hermione?"

Hermione, who hadn't had the chance to show off her knowledge for at least ten minutes now raised her hand eagerly. "They can take the shape of what they think frightens us most!"

Ron rolled his eyes. Professor Lupin smiled. "They do indeed. Now, how can we use this to our advantage?"

Silence. Harry looked at Hermione who shrugged briefly and quickly turned her head the other way.

"Boggarts dissolve themselves if you laugh at them."

"B-but how could I possibly laugh at my worst fear?", asked Neville timidly.

"A good thing to ask, Neville", said Lupin and turned to the pupil. "Why don't you come here and we'll find out?"

Greatly regretting his question, Neville stepped forward and looked around, seeming even paler than before.

"The trick is to combine the thing we dread most with something that'll make us laugh at it. For example, how could I make a horrible spider less threatening?"

Ron, having thought about this in advance, blurted out: "By taking away its legs!"

"Good idea, Ron!", said Lupin approvingly. "So, you just had to think of a spider without legs and laugh at it once you see it. Sounds easy enough, doesn't it?"

Neville nodded hesitantly, already dreading the question that was to come.

"And what's your biggest fear, Neville?"

All fell silent. Neville looked up to Lupin pleadingly but the professor was showing no reaction save an encouraging smile.

At last, Neville managed to speak. "P-P-P Professor Snape"

Some students smiled, some nodded in agreement.

"I see", grinned Lupin and put his hand on the doorknob of said professor's wardrobe. "Now when I open this door the boggart will come out, looking exactly like … Professor Snape. What you have to do before is think hard of him. Think hard of Snape and think hard of something that'll make him more ridiculous than threatening. Did you understand that?"

Neville stared at Lupin blankly.

"This is a matter of the mind and requires an awful lot of concentration so don't worry if it doesn't work, because only very few manage to get it right at their first try. Ready anyway?"

Neville gazed around but nodded bravely after an encouraging look from Potter and friends.

"Three … two … one-"

But before Lupin could say go the wardrobe opened automatically and out stepped a life-sized Professor Snape, complete with make-up and a tight, red dress.

Neville quickly jumped back and the rest of the class stared in awe, knowing that Neville wasn't necessarily the student to get things right at the first try.

But the Snape-shaped drag boggart truly was a sight which was not to fear but to laugh at. Or at least most of the class though so until Lupin's praises of Neville were interrupted by said boggart extending a hand and muttering: "Oh, Professor. I didn't expect you and your class to be here so soon."

**End Scroll.**

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(insert completely innocent whistle here) Ah, SoSSS is definitely the best Harry Potter abbreviation ever. Just thought that had to be added. Opinions, anyone?


	2. House Elf Upgrade

_A/N:_ 12/31/04 was the original _publication date_ of the second one-shot. It's based on a scene in CoS and no terrific quantity of spoilers is to be expected. For the sake of nostalgia I took the libery of including the 2004 summary plus appendix from back then at the end of the chapter. I don't know why anyone would care but I did so anyway. And that's that, so good read to you all!

**Harry Potter and the Scrolls of Slightly Silly Stories**  
_Second Scroll: House Elf Upgrade_

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Harry saw her first when she was eagerly running after a tall, blond man, carrying all sorts of bags and packets. Judging by her appearance she had to be around 16 years old, had black hair and dark blue eyes. He had never seen her before and she was certainly not a student of Hogwarts. But assuming she was a Muggle...

Because one thing was for sure; The man she kept following all around was none other than Lucius Malfoy, father of Harry's arch enemy Draco Malfoy. And he would never tolerate a Muggle near him, not all the time, Harry was certain of that.

Eager to know more about the strange girl who by now kept showing up at Hogwarts regularly, Harry decided to wait for her after Quidditch practice.

"Wait, wait, where are you going?", Harry panted, managing to grab her by the shoulder just before she disappeared around a corner.

"Sorry, I can't-",

"I... I have seen you at school but you don't seem to be taking any lessons and-"

"So sorry", squeaked the girl, apparently not happy about having someone talk to her right now. "So sorry but Debby must hurry, Debby must bring master food!"

"Bring master food?", Harry wondered, noticing the carefully wrapped sandwich in her left hand.

"Debby can't stay, Debby must hurry, must bring master food or master will not be pleased!", gasped the girl and tried to free herself from Harry's grasp.

"Debby!", he blurted out, trying to stop her from walking away. "Debby, so that's your name?"

"Debby, yes, yes. Debby must hurry ... must hurry to bring master food!"

"Master? Y o u r master? And that'd be-"

"OH HURRY UP FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, I'M STARVING!", came a voice from somewhere in the distance and Debby vanished before Harry could even think of a name which might belong to said voice.

Harry had hoped to find one or two answers by talking to Debby but their conversation had left him in nothing but more confusion. Still he saw the girl from time to time, running after Lucius Malfoy whose visits at Hogwarts had become unpleasingly frequent.

It didn't take a genius to find out that Debby's "master" was apparently said Mr. Malfoy. So that much was clear but why-

"Hey Harry!"

"Hello Harry!"

Ron and Hermione had joined Harry who was sitting on a bench, watching Malfoy and his female follower eagerly. Harry had told them everything he knew about Debby and Hermione was more than keen to look up some books on the subject. And just as she was about to pass on her knowledge, Hermione was interrupted by a loud, shrill voice.

"Oooh, kind master! Wonderful master!", cried Debby and threw herself onto her knees in front of Lucius who only rolled his eyes and attempted to turn around when Debby took hold of his foot.

"Most perfect master has gifted Debby with his socks! Debby worships master, oooh, wonderful master!"

"You're supposed to wash and not worship them!", Malfoy spat, jerked around and stomped off, closely followed by a brighly beaming Debby.

Still watching in mute surprise, Harry finally broke the silence. "So... what is she?"

"I thought she might be a house elf. It fits but I never imagined them to look that human", Ron mused.

"Oh, Ron. She's not a house elf!", Hermione paused. "She's a f a n g i r l!"

**End Scroll.**

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- Flashback -  
Summary (at the end of the chapter, where it belongs...): _"So that'd be another 'slighty silly, slightly altered' piece. This time I shall teach you that an house elf is not the only creature who's fond of Malfoy's clothes..."_  
Appendix: _"I figure boredom and insanity should suffice as an excuse for this. Cheers and Happy New Year to all of you!"  
- End Flashback - _


End file.
